Coulda Woulda Shoulda (A Story of My Non-existent iPad)

Even Mike F has an iPad and he 'luvvs' it!!! First of all, why do iPad owners have to "luvv' their iPads, why can't they just 'love' it like normal people?? Life is just not fair. I have met several people with varied demographics and a large spectrum of technological proficiencies who own an iPad. ALL of them JUST LUVVV it.

I hate them. Because I don't have one.

Let me first explain. My relationship with iPad is complicated. Emotionally taxing, if you will. I was fascinated by it the moment it was announced*. Picture of a person lying on her back and browsing "iPad" on her knees was the perfect sight of earthly nirvana. I thought life cannot get better than that on this planet. Put her on a hammock in Bahamas or on a MUNI in SF, no one can take away her peace. She is zen. Every day on my drive to work, I used to look at those billboards longingly. Then inhale deeply, close my eyes and grin widely. That was me. Soon to be me...

...just like a dreamy preggo who looks at baby pictures and goes into a trance.

In the meanwhile, my home pc died and I realized that I was in need of one immediately. At work I am a choice-less PC but I have seen how Mac users swear their lives by it and go into Apple coma when you ask them about it. So I thought why not become a cool Mac person in life?  This was a fatal mistake. I got blindsided and in a split second decision, got a MacBook Pro without even thinking about iPad.  (When I look back now, I see that it was trying to call me from the depths of my mind but I was too distracted)

As you may recall from my earlier posts/updates, I was very excited about this new liaison. I had very high expectations from my elite post-Mac life. USS Enterprise! It has been 6 months and here is where we are:

Things I can do comfortably:

1) Open Safari

2) Take PhotoBooth pics (:-D)

3) Repeatedly download skype because every time I restart the machine, it disappears.

4) Force-Quit

Things that I can get done but not without substantial nerve-wreck:

1) Transfer photos (still confused about where to open them, how to edit in iPhotos, where the heck all the photo directories are..blah blah)

2) Play music (don't sync my iPhone because I am scared that it will mess up syncing with pc and then I would be in limbo)

3) Download more software and not know what to do with it.

But most of the time I just stare at it blankly. Then open Safari and check facebook & twitter.

Yes, this is about my persistent frustration with MacBook Pro. I knew there was a learning curve but no one told me that it was an impossible learning curve. To top it all, I keep running into more and more happy people with iPads. Unlikely ones - like Mike. I cannot help but wonder: What if I had just gotten an iPad? I would be that serene happy girl in the picture. A girl with iPad-picture-perfect legs wearing iPad-picture-perfect jeans/skirt.

You will ask me: What is the big deal? Why don't you just get one?

Well, if only it were that easy. Now I am a girl with iPad-issues. I cannot just get one and be happy, you see. It is too much pressure and ...then there is still that Mac rendering me numb and dumb. I am stuck with nowhere to go.

Moral of the story: If you have ever considered getting an iPad, just go get one. Don't think too much.

(since I consider myself as a spiritual person, I feel compelled to write things which have moral.. or alternately extract moral from my prosaic life events)

Moving forward, I know what to do. Get to the darn Apple Website and/or Apple Store and get those darn Mac Basics Tutorials. I just can't get myself to do it. Too much pressure. Will do it when the time comes. I am still waiting for my Apple super-powers to manifest and take me across effortlessly.

THE END

* When you live in the nerd-zone (i.e. Bay Area), you know all about the hip(?) cutting-edge technology that rest of the geek world looks up to in awe, without reading any geeky tech-magazines. Nerdiness is just in the air.

Changing Generation

Time does not kid. Neither it slacks, nor does it make any allowances.

I chose not to move with it. Instead kept swinging between past and future. I can't say there were no warnings but I did not pay any heed. I was having a ball. Deep inside me there was a clock that was ticking, urging me to catch up but I kept ignoring it.

Result: Time broke down.

Yes, time has broken down for me. Past and future are collapsing frantically into my present. Not just from this life but from many many lives it seems. Have you heard of samudra-manthan? The ultimate churning of the deepest ocean to obtain the nectar of immortality. Gods had to team up with demons to perform it. Something like that is happening in my body and mind.

I am not my parents 6 year old spoiled daughter anymore. Every time I look at them now, my stomach cringes. I don't see 30 something handsome couple but instead a 60 something couple trying to cope with harsh realities of life - restricted physical existence and unregulated, unyielding mental existence. It was exactly the opposite - like just now, wasn't it?  My baby sister is a mother now. When my mom was my age, I was 10 years old!

Where do I place myself ? I don't know. I relate reasonably well with almost everyone - my 2 year old nephew, my teenager nieces, my 20 something cousins, my 40 something colleagues and my 60 something Vedanta friends. Then I look at my 30 something friends. I try to fit myself neatly into that bracket looking for a perfect match. My resume fits very well. Me? Not so much… I am spilling over into my childhood, teens, 20s, 40s, 60s and in those unknown age groups which may be flashbacks from my past past or glimpses into my future future. I can't tell the difference. Those moments clearly don't fit anywhere in the current scheme of things - a span of 0-60 years that is. Yet they are as real or even more.

How am I supposed to live everyday?
In present, I suppose. Trying to stay centered in my role in spite of the huge variations; and ignoring the outliers completely.

Ethereal

ethereal today

boundaries loosened

objects have become translucent

so has my body

thoughts have become waves

so floating on them slowly

world is there

not as it appears

but as it actually is

all made of same substance

with Midas touch

radiant and peaceful



waves propagating

light touching light



Inception (Nothing has power except what you give it.)

Haha - did you really think that I'll NOT have a post on this?

So here we go.

I think reality is nothing but whatever we believe. Belief creates reality. Projections of different minds(people) start merging. Our mental strength determines our 'role' in that projection. I feel fairly grounded when I am at my "normal" level where projections of all people around me are similar because they are based on physical laws mainly. At next level - emotional or mental or dream, the projections of reality start getting confusing. I feel something, you feel something and it is hard to grasp it. We cannot quantify it and verify it. As we go deeper and deeper, intricacy increases. Just like the mazes created by dream architects in the movie. Another interesting thing is that the 'levels' are unidirectional in increasing complexity but their existence is overlapping. You can be at any level(s) any time. A beautifully complex feedback loop connects them in such a way that the 'maze' is almost impossible to solve.

Whose 'reality' is this? Am I in yours and following your directions because you are stronger than me? or is it the other way round? Am I letting you set my 'desires/wants/needs' so that you can fulfill yours or is it the other way round? or is someone else controlling us both?

I think it is very very imp to get clarity in head about where my actions and feelings are coming from and take full responsibility for them. Are they mine? Am I just conforming or resisting norms i.e. are they planted in me by someone else in my 'dream' like Fisher's?  If we are indeed living our own projection/dream, no character or situation in it should have power over us. They are all our creations!  

What does "mine" mean anyway? We are, after all, products of the reality projected by senses/feelings. The sense of "I" or "me" itself is a projection.


Ultimately, yes, there are all these projections of realities and we jump from one to other depending on what our strongest belief is at that time -but it is all finally a one big "dream". 
What is real then? Nothing. 

Umm, What?
Welcome to my maze :-)

Boy! I am hopeless

I

Mind is obsessed with projecting. It is ok. No, it is not ok. This is happening. No, that is. This because of that or that because of this?? It grabs one object after other, one feeling after other and starts creating 'realities'. Here too, survival of the fittest. Strongest objects hold my attention longest. Spin me round and round into the web of thoughts.  I live there. This reality is shattered when the attraction for that object is overcome or just over. Moment of freedom. Space. Immediately I start auditioning objects for the next 'reality' show... 


II

Strong objects are different for different people. For most they are sensory - big house, big car, fancy living (= money) or beauty. For some they are ideals - my country, my children, my intellect, my art, my devotion, my spirituality, my love.  Love, especially is the tricky one. It is intricately linked with our base desires, biological instincts yet holds immense potential to take us beyond those.

For most part, people stick with one object for life because they cannot come out of its grip. It offers security, sense of self. Few get to play with 2 or 3. Fortunate few understand the game. The fun of letting go. Expanding boundaries. Challenging yourself again and again. Breaking the laws and creating new ones. Ultimately letting go of this game too. 

I should have been an actor. 

Day of Atonement

Today is Akshay Tritiya. One of the 3 1/2 auspicious days in Hindu astrology. The day is believed to bring good luck and success; and particularly considered auspicious for starting new relationships, new purchases and commitments. The word "Akshaya" means never diminishing, inexhaustible, eternal, immortal, indestructible.

For me, it is turning to be the time to lay off old baggage. On this powerfully serene day, He is graciously taking away many of the burdens and scars I have been carrying and feeling tired, exhausted and hopeless.

The mistakes made in past cannot be corrected. Lost is time, lost are many of those people - young and old. I am truly sorry for all those moments when I was not really 'present'. At such moments, directly or indirectly I caused much hurt to people when I said things or did things. There is no going back. What is done is done. So I am sending my sincere apologies to all of those. Wherever they are - in this world or some other. For those around me, there is no picking up phone to ask for forgiveness. People have moved on (and probably dropped those ugly moments). So I am sending my best positive thoughts to them. I wish them all the very best in the life, and may God make them happy.
(it has taken me forever to write this)


II

There is no existential pain (EP) today. I realize now that it was probably coming from the dark shadows of these unfinished, unlived moments which over time had turned into ugly mutated beings suffering endlessly. Begging for riddance. By now their pain had become enormous and bodies rigid. A human effort wasn't going to do it. So they were waiting for the healing touch of light. They only wanted to be remembered, cared for and looked after. It wasn't a difficult task after the touch of light had softened them already.
(atonement continues)


III

Back in SF, this special mahurat day coincides with Bay to Breakers and 'Swades' on Zee. Some consolation for me when I am missing desh where shops are bustling with gold/silver/car shoppers, marriage halls are full of beautifully dressed men and women in bright, colorful sherwanis and saris enjoying feasts and chatting endlessly, smell of season's last alphonso mango batches,kids shopping for school,...
(life goes on)


IV

Imagine the ease and beauty of living if I can live in the present moment fully. There will be no baggage to carry - good or bad. All checked in (to Him).

Yep, that's what I want to do. Drop all my baggage (no matter how terribly hard it is!) and travel light rest of my life. Totally free.
(anonymously)

Privacy Issues

I was happy on facebook. Until all this negative publicity regarding its privacy issues started. I still don't have any issues with it as such (which means that I am not a nerd!), however, now I feel like the purity of my relationship with it is lost. It is clouded. Doubts. Accusations. "Brad is Seeing Jennifer Again, Angelina in Depression". True or false?

So I've decided to branch out and rest at the blogspot more frequently. 

But, HA! 

I can't quite say that I am off to a good start here. Why? When I tried to create a 'New Blog', it asked for my mobile number. Yes. My MOBILE NUMBER. To protect my account from abuse. I don't know if this is a good thing or bad. As I said before, I am not a comp geek but I felt quite nervous about handing off my mobile number to this total stranger. FB never asked for my mobile number and we have been together for a while now.

What am I going to do then? Well, I am going to keep adding posts under my first ever blog created. No matter how annoying it gets.

Who is smart NOW Google, ha?

Here is how I see my net-life (pun intended) distributed:
Facebook = for keeping in touch with friends/family, general goofing off
Twitter = for emotional outbursts, de-stressing, connecting with my favourite celebs
Blogspot = for contemplations (deep, not-so-deep, whatever)
(Talk about not being a nerd..Get a life Priya!)

Next task: read up on blogspot privacy issues and get even more confused. Obviously, my net-life and cerebral fluid activity are very important to me. Hmm...can I restrict access here? Should I? Why? To whom?...

Cheerio!

Way Back Into Love*

Way Back Into Love*

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 Wednesday, 21 April 2010 at 12:42 | Edit note | Delete

As advertised in the teaser in earlier note, this is an outpouring of the over-excited brain that is smitten with some of the beautiful things it came across in last few days.

I have to go back to Feb this year when I was browsing books at SFO waiting for my flight to LA. These days I naturally walk to shelves that are marked Philosophy, Spirituality, Psychology. Already in a deep brooding mode, I thought this is not good. I need to give myself a break. With effort I diverted myself to Humor/Fiction. All right, Ive' all these Wodehouse books already. :-D. Then I forced myself to browse all the staff recommendations. Finally got to the Classics where usual favorites like Jane Austen failed to charm. One staff member had written a decent review on God of Small Things and since it had been on my list forever, I picked it up. Whatever. I will get this over with. At checkout, I also picked up Buddha by Deepak Chopra which had sneaked into my thoughts through a corner of my eye.

I was able to get to it couple of weeks ago and quite liked it. I bet Mr Chopra was thinking about a future Hollywood movie, probably starring Richard Gere while writing it. Nonetheless, I was gripped by it and my own world started mapping onto Buddha's world - I found the trap of my own palace, Mara lurking behind every sense stimulus trying to find a crack to get into my head. I also found my own Asita.

Just to give you a flavour, here are some random quotes:

"There is one thing Mara (the Devil) can never let you find out: the truth about who you really are." -

"Whatever can run can also stand still"

"Learn to use your memories... Don't let them use you."

"...you can be whole, but only if you see yourself that way. There is no holy life. There is no war between good and evil. There is no sin and no redemption. None of these things matter to the real you. But they all matter hugely to the false you, the one who believes in the separate self. You have tried to take your separate self, with all its loneliness and anxiety and pride, to the door of enlightenment. But it will never go through, because it is a ghost."

"Every particle of soil, every plant and animal, is constantly changing. You cannot be enlightened as the separate person you see yourself to be because that person has already disappeared, along with everything else from yesterday"

"Every single life is woven into the web of karma, which has no beginning or end. Until you accept that every life is woven into every other, you will never know who you really are."

==========================

=============================

About the same time, Netflix delivered Siddhartha, a random movie I had added to the queue months ago. I was super-happy about the coincidence and was looking forward to see all the scenes in Buddha's life on-screen. Happily sat down one night expecting to see a picture of 'Saffron-Robed Buddha-in-Meditation contrasted with a Handsome-Warrior-Prince' on the main menu. I was so sure about what I was going to see that it took me few minutes to comprehend when I clicked the remote and saw charming Shashi Kapoor in gerua and long wavy hair! Don't get me wrong, I love Shashi Kapoor, am a sucker for his charming smile (♥) but him as Buddha?? I mean, this is going to traumatize me for life. He is not tall, he has no oval Buddha face....what's wrong with these people? I hurriedly read the synopsis on the back of the cover. It said that this is a story of a young Indian who embarks upon a journey to find the meaning of existence - based on the novel by Hermann Hesse. Okay, I felt better. Let's see what this is about or just ogle at Shashi Kapoor!

I was rendered speechless as the movie progressed. Siddhartha's disillusionment with the quest for spiritual enlightenment, turning to the pursuit of material wealth, and discovering that the truth remains elusive on either side of the fence and that what ultimately makes life worth living is inner contentment and love.

Everything in it was resonating with me - nature, people, pace, divine ruthlessness, experiences and the learning. I remembered Kakali-auntie, my friend from Vedanta Temple, mentioning to me one day during our conversation that you are talking like Siddhartha from the novel. Since I didn't know the novel then, I didn't think too much about it but made a note to read it one day.

Siddhartha is strong, smart and motivated as you can see from some of his lines are:

"Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, Patience is better."

"I can think, I can wait. I can fast."

"He has robbed me, yet he has given me something of greater value . . . he has given to me myself."

(To Kamala) "You are like me. You have a sanctuary within you where you can retreat at any time and be yourself. At peace. "

I cannot get over this sentence so I am going to spend some time on it.

Siddhartha sees that Kamala is at peace. She has already found what he is looking for. She doesn't know it because she was never looking for it. Yet she has it. However, we see in the movie how his cleverness gets in the way every time he tries to reach the sanctuary within himself. She, on the other hand, loves him deeply and can sense the same sanctuary in him too (without thinking). She enjoys being with him immensely because her sanctuary meets her physical reality when they are together. They can just be. However, she can also sense that he is not really there with her. He is far away - trying to get somewhere. She gently makes an attempt by calling him from her sanctuary. He, unable to see, gives a clever reply "People like us cannot love". She is deeply saddened. But soon retreats back, alone, and responds calmly 'Not all people are clever, Siddhartha". -- How can you "show/convince" someone that nothing else is there but love?


In the end, Siddhartha comes to the river and spends rest of his life ferrying people. Trying to be content and happy within himself. Trying to reach that sanctuary where the prostitute Kamala lived in the midst of her life.

Some lines from the book (which I am yet to read):

"Seeking means: to have a goal; but finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal."

"It may be important to great thinkers to examine the world, to explain and despise it. But I think it is only important to love the world, not to despise it, not for us to hate each other, but to be able to regard the world and ourselves and all beings with love, admiration and respect."

"Within Siddhartha there slowly grew and ripened the knowledge of what wisdom really was and the goal of his long seeking. It was nothing but a preparation of the soul, a capacity, a secret art of thinking, feeling and breathing thoughts of unity at every moment of life."

=======================================================

Buddha says, "Goal is to end the suffering by the systematic destruction of desire and not dwell upon the cause." But can everyone become a hermit? Can everyone survive Mara's backlash physically by sitting alone under a tree?

Emerson says, "Reliance (on the universe) and self-reliance both are necessary." Some paradox of life!

Vedanta says, "Attain complete freedom by expanding so much that all becomes me."

Holy Mother says, "Learn to make the whole world your own. No one is a stranger, my child. The whole world is your own."

Dalai Lama says, "A more altruistic attitude is very relevant in today's world. If we look at the situation from various angles, such as the complexity and inter-connectedness of the nature of modern existence, then we will gradually notice a change in our outlook, so that when we say 'others' and when we think of others, we will no longer dismiss them as something that is irrelevant to us. We will no longer feel indifferent."

Even the Monkeyspehere: http://www.cracked.com/article_14990_what-monkeysphere_p1.html

So many ways of conveying the same thing.

All that we are trying to do is to Find Our Way Back Into Love.


*' A song from the movie Music and Lyrics.

Observing Associations

I

I read some lines again and again - the ones that touch me deep inside. They hold my hand and walk me through the dark alleys of my heart. (This is Alice in me)*

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II

I read some emails again and again. Play some conversations in my head over and over. To feel the connection. Almost invariably, "creating" one when there isn't any to begin with. (This is me)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

III

You had me at "hello" (remember Jerry Maguire?) happens rarely in real life, if at all. But in my mind it happens constantly - except that it is not so super-romantic. It is more like "oh, I think the way she said "Hello"was slightly different than usual". Then I re-play that "Hello" in my head repeatedly and analyze:
"Hello": too cold, she clearly hates me
"Hello": no, she is just being formal because her boss was there
"Hello": she is depressed because her baby is unwell
"Hello": sounds about normal, I am getting so cynical
....on and on it goes.
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IV

In the simplest term, association = any relationship.

Psychology looks at association in Pavlovian way - a conditioning method to help memorize things. For example, my aunt always brought me beautiful gifts; so every time she visits, my mind starts getting excited about the gift (even now!).

Statistics emphasizes that association does not mean that the relationship is necessarily causal i.e. correlation does not imply causation. For example, if a study shows that people who recycle also tend not to smoke, it does not mean that recycling reduces the risk of smoking and hence the risk of lung cancer!

(I need more outrageous examples here. Any ideas?)
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V

Q: Have you completely lost it?
A: Haha, you wish. But No. I am going somewhere with this. If I can find my way that is.

Yes, so what happens in III is that I am trying to "create" an association when there isn't any. "Hello" was just "Hello". Nothing more. However, my mind is coloring again (refer to the old note titled "Interests"). Stretching its limits really really hard so that it can put some "emotion", some "label" to it. It wants to feel it fully and live through it, it longs to connect to something big through that "Hello". What it fails to realize is that this "Hello" is a puny wave which doesn't have the energy, the power to help me connect with anything Big. It doesn't want to acknowledge that this wave is going to die soon and I should just let her go.

Aah! the beautiful mind!

It gets more and more stubborn as it finds the "Hello" slipping away from its grip. Then it gets sneaky and starts forcing labels like - "she is just mean" or "she is in trouble with her boss" or "she is depressed". Even worse, it starts feeling "guilty" for trying to put labels. So you see, all these labels/emotions out of nothing. But now it is feeling alive again. It has worked hard and used up so much energy. Yep, it has done its job so it is jumping and dancing.


Q: Wait. What about the association?
A: oh yes! I totally forgot. What I am trying to say is that some associations are useful, they help us survive and not go extinct. However, a lot of them are just pure evil. Completely unnecessary, useless, energy-consuming, impassioned. It is better to identify them and let them go. It is also very important to watch the roguish mind carefully so that it is not at it again - at labeling, at squandering our energy in trying to form absurd associations, being fervid.

Q: okay, so I am all-powerful because I have not wasted my energy foolishly. What do I do with it?
A: I can't say much here. One thing I can say is that "watching" the mind is not easy. It takes lot more concentrated efforts that letting it scatter away. It is as exhausting as watching a 2-year old!

Q: You have become such a bore!
A: I KNOW. I am even boring myself to death. Always knew there is nothing fun about 30s. 40s and 50s? Maybe, but not 30s.

oh well.

* From Alice in Wonderland