I read some lines again and again - the ones that touch me deep inside. They hold my hand and walk me through the dark alleys of my heart. (This is Alice in me)*
II
I read some emails again and again. Play some conversations in my head over and over. To feel the connection. Almost invariably, "creating" one when there isn't any to begin with. (This is me)
--------------------------
III
You had me at "hello" (remember Jerry Maguire?) happens rarely in real life, if at all. But in my mind it happens constantly - except that it is not so super-romantic. It is more like "oh, I think the way she said "Hello"was slightly different than usual". Then I re-play that "Hello" in my head repeatedly and analyze:
"Hello": too cold, she clearly hates me
"Hello": no, she is just being formal because her boss was there
"Hello": she is depressed because her baby is unwell
"Hello": sounds about normal, I am getting so cynical
....on and on it goes.
--------------------------
IV
In the simplest term, association = any relationship.
Psychology looks at association in Pavlovian way - a conditioning method to help memorize things. For example, my aunt always brought me beautiful gifts; so every time she visits, my mind starts getting excited about the gift (even now!).
Statistics emphasizes that association does not mean that the relationship is necessarily causal i.e. correlation does not imply causation. For example, if a study shows that people who recycle also tend not to smoke, it does not mean that recycling reduces the risk of smoking and hence the risk of lung cancer!
(I need more outrageous examples here. Any ideas?)
--------------------------
V
Q: Have you completely lost it?
A: Haha, you wish. But No. I am going somewhere with this. If I can find my way that is.
Yes, so what happens in III is that I am trying to "create" an association when there isn't any. "Hello" was just "Hello". Nothing more. However, my mind is coloring again (refer to the old note titled "Interests"). Stretching its limits really really hard so that it can put some "emotion", some "label" to it. It wants to feel it fully and live through it, it longs to connect to something big through that "Hello". What it fails to realize is that this "Hello" is a puny wave which doesn't have the energy, the power to help me connect with anything Big. It doesn't want to acknowledge that this wave is going to die soon and I should just let her go.
Aah! the beautiful mind!
It gets more and more stubborn as it finds the "Hello" slipping away from its grip. Then it gets sneaky and starts forcing labels like - "she is just mean" or "she is in trouble with her boss" or "she is depressed". Even worse, it starts feeling "guilty" for trying to put labels. So you see, all these labels/emotions out of nothing. But now it is feeling alive again. It has worked hard and used up so much energy. Yep, it has done its job so it is jumping and dancing.
Q: Wait. What about the association?
A: oh yes! I totally forgot. What I am trying to say is that some associations are useful, they help us survive and not go extinct. However, a lot of them are just pure evil. Completely unnecessary, useless, energy-consuming, impassioned. It is better to identify them and let them go. It is also very important to watch the roguish mind carefully so that it is not at it again - at labeling, at squandering our energy in trying to form absurd associations, being fervid.
Q: okay, so I am all-powerful because I have not wasted my energy foolishly. What do I do with it?
A: I can't say much here. One thing I can say is that "watching" the mind is not easy. It takes lot more concentrated efforts that letting it scatter away. It is as exhausting as watching a 2-year old!
Q: You have become such a bore!
A: I KNOW. I am even boring myself to death. Always knew there is nothing fun about 30s. 40s and 50s? Maybe, but not 30s.
oh well.
* From Alice in Wonderland
No comments:
Post a Comment