Moving On

I have a new blog now. It is to explore the much trodden territory of relationships, love, intimacy, boundaries etc.  It is very Carrie Bradshawish but I think I have reached the limits of my raciness by choosing the hot pink background for it. The content should be relatively sober. Relatively.

I am only going to share it with select audience, mostly my girlfriends with whom I have animated, insightful discussions on these topics. This is the first step towards me respecting my boundaries. So, Cheers to that! 

I will see you here less frequently now..

Reigning Queen of Lukhadom

:-D That is all I have to say.

That Time of the Year..

I am way in over my head with unfinished tasks. If I get those done, which I HAVE TO for there is no alternative, I am going to be a whole different person. Or so I like to believe. Else I won't get to those. 

Filings and more filings.

So stop using socializing as your excuse and get your act together, girl.....

Also looming over my head is my impending birthday....

 

My Birthday has always been heavy on me. I guess that is when I am forced to look at myself truthfully. It is the time of the year when I am answerable to myself for all these questions: Am I really happy? If not, why not? Am I doing anything about it? Why? Why not? 

....I don't like facing that. It is much easier to avoid and keep myself busy with work and frivolous things.

I seriously dread my birthdays. Much nervousness. Water starts rising inch by inch as soon as we enter Feb. By mid-month, I am neck deep into it with nowhere to escape. I guess that is why I make a huge deal of my birthday so that I can run away from the voices in my head. Shopping, small celebrations and rewards throughout the month. Yet, the voice keeps getting louder and louder. The sinking feeling doesn't go away. And I only tire myself to death by trying to run away faster and faster. ...Since my late teens, I am at my lowest energy level on my birthdays despite the parties, gifts and all the pampering. I just want that day to be over. Soon. So that I can be my composed, mostly cheery self again. Who likes being lost, confused, sad and weak? Who likes being told that you are possibly living someone else's life?

Oh well.

A lot has changed lately and I have better answers for all these questions. At least I have the strength to face them even though some answers are a blurr or they come with a lot of uncertainty. I know what I want and what will make me happy. I didn't know that until  few days ago but I definitely know that now. But I have been too afraid to admit that. Again, who wants clear answers right? It is so much easier to wallow in the mire I created. 

I mean, if I know what I want and what will make me happy, then I have to face all these questions: Will I get it? What if I don't get it? Will I be able to handle the disappointment and move on? If indeed I do get it, will I be able to maintain it or will I screw it up?? Have I completely lost the ability to be truly happy again?

Standing up for oneself is a risky business. I imagine that it is like surfing those stormy waves. Tremendous thrills, equally high dangers. When I admit to myself: I like this and I want it because it makes me happy, am I setting up P(disappointment, hurt, sadness)=.5? ....Wouldn't it be easier to just...look away? 

I guess not anymore. Because in that case, P(disappointment, hurt, sadness)=1.

I definitely don't want to enter 3* with a list of unfinished tasks and baggage.

So I am buckling up. 

Here I come - my unopened mail from 2 months, turbo tax and what not...

Winding up..

Back on. I just need to vent today. Too many things going on at the same time. All these Priya's inside of me jamming each other. Some of them, I never imagined would come into existence. Looks like the soil is fertile for the seeds of craziness to blossom these days!!

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Going to the court Family-law self-help center can be the most profound experience. People coming to get help on complicated custody battle, adoption, restraining order, divorce, annulment, you name it. Almost all broke - monetarily and emotionally. Sitting there with yellow/blue/black folders containing gazillion forms, waiting patiently for their turn. Laden with heavy blows. Resigned to the fate. Painstakingly taking each step forward. Quiet. Humbled by the enormity of suffering. Few are finding it hard to keep it together. They are pacing up and down or talking incessantly to themselves. Some have come with a companion to support them - a friend, a mom, an aunt or a spouse. Most are alone save the ocean of bubbling feelings underneath. With vacant eyes and stiff trembling bodies. Yes, stiff trembling bodies. That is exactly how enormous pain acts on you. Breaking down your body by contradictions and shocks. Your stomach cringes and you start getting dizzy.

The staff at this center is the most amazing I have ever seen. They are trained to be super-nice, smiling and indulgent. Even with the craziest person, they are obliging. A stout lady came in and asked the clerk if she could pay to get ahead of all 20+ who were sitting there. Before her, at least 10 others had asked the poor clerk about their First Come First Serve policy.Yet, the clerk politely and firmly answered No- with a hint of smile. My eyes left the screen of Solitaire game on my iPhone for few seconds to look at her - amused and admiring. 

A young girl in early 20s or maybe even younger was sitting next to me. Holding onto her backpack tightly, visibly overwhelmed but trying to stay calm. If I had seen her outside, in her black slimfit pants and white pullover, I would have thought of her as a college-going bratty teenager. She too started playing Solitaire on her phone but couldn't keep at it long.  The clerk lady came out, sat next to her and in an unfailingly caring tone started to discuss her case. Something about a 2 year old kid, his custody, divorce filed in Colorado, case number for California filing, kid still being in CO, visitation expenses etc etc. I lost track but I could see from the corner of my eye that the girl had tightened the grip on her backpack, she was nodding but clearly very little was actually reaching to her. The court clerk too realized that and immediately switched gears by giving her clear list of tasks to do. I suddenly felt a strong maternal instinct toward that girl. I wanted to give her a hug and tell her that everything will be okay. I realized how far I have come in the last few months. From being that girl myself to ..well, here.

My case was fairly straightforward compared to others I thought. I had done my research, knew what I had to do and only needed to get that confirmed. I went in and confidently submitted my papers for review. As she started telling me that the old forms needed some amendment, new forms I have are not in the right order etc., in a flash of a second the scene changed. I became that girl and the court clerk who was probably few years younger than me became my caretaker. She started talking to that place of profound grief in me which I did not know still existed. Hadn't I come a long way?? I barely remember the details of next few mins (except the vacuum in my stomach and me trying to clutch it hard), but I have my clear, well-written list of things to do, and set of forms with extra copies handed carefully to me by that strong, protective stranger.

All this was over a week ago.  I still feel the stiff trembling now and then.

Coulda Woulda Shoulda (A Story of My Non-existent iPad)

Even Mike F has an iPad and he 'luvvs' it!!! First of all, why do iPad owners have to "luvv' their iPads, why can't they just 'love' it like normal people?? Life is just not fair. I have met several people with varied demographics and a large spectrum of technological proficiencies who own an iPad. ALL of them JUST LUVVV it.

I hate them. Because I don't have one.

Let me first explain. My relationship with iPad is complicated. Emotionally taxing, if you will. I was fascinated by it the moment it was announced*. Picture of a person lying on her back and browsing "iPad" on her knees was the perfect sight of earthly nirvana. I thought life cannot get better than that on this planet. Put her on a hammock in Bahamas or on a MUNI in SF, no one can take away her peace. She is zen. Every day on my drive to work, I used to look at those billboards longingly. Then inhale deeply, close my eyes and grin widely. That was me. Soon to be me...

...just like a dreamy preggo who looks at baby pictures and goes into a trance.

In the meanwhile, my home pc died and I realized that I was in need of one immediately. At work I am a choice-less PC but I have seen how Mac users swear their lives by it and go into Apple coma when you ask them about it. So I thought why not become a cool Mac person in life?  This was a fatal mistake. I got blindsided and in a split second decision, got a MacBook Pro without even thinking about iPad.  (When I look back now, I see that it was trying to call me from the depths of my mind but I was too distracted)

As you may recall from my earlier posts/updates, I was very excited about this new liaison. I had very high expectations from my elite post-Mac life. USS Enterprise! It has been 6 months and here is where we are:

Things I can do comfortably:

1) Open Safari

2) Take PhotoBooth pics (:-D)

3) Repeatedly download skype because every time I restart the machine, it disappears.

4) Force-Quit

Things that I can get done but not without substantial nerve-wreck:

1) Transfer photos (still confused about where to open them, how to edit in iPhotos, where the heck all the photo directories are..blah blah)

2) Play music (don't sync my iPhone because I am scared that it will mess up syncing with pc and then I would be in limbo)

3) Download more software and not know what to do with it.

But most of the time I just stare at it blankly. Then open Safari and check facebook & twitter.

Yes, this is about my persistent frustration with MacBook Pro. I knew there was a learning curve but no one told me that it was an impossible learning curve. To top it all, I keep running into more and more happy people with iPads. Unlikely ones - like Mike. I cannot help but wonder: What if I had just gotten an iPad? I would be that serene happy girl in the picture. A girl with iPad-picture-perfect legs wearing iPad-picture-perfect jeans/skirt.

You will ask me: What is the big deal? Why don't you just get one?

Well, if only it were that easy. Now I am a girl with iPad-issues. I cannot just get one and be happy, you see. It is too much pressure and ...then there is still that Mac rendering me numb and dumb. I am stuck with nowhere to go.

Moral of the story: If you have ever considered getting an iPad, just go get one. Don't think too much.

(since I consider myself as a spiritual person, I feel compelled to write things which have moral.. or alternately extract moral from my prosaic life events)

Moving forward, I know what to do. Get to the darn Apple Website and/or Apple Store and get those darn Mac Basics Tutorials. I just can't get myself to do it. Too much pressure. Will do it when the time comes. I am still waiting for my Apple super-powers to manifest and take me across effortlessly.

THE END

* When you live in the nerd-zone (i.e. Bay Area), you know all about the hip(?) cutting-edge technology that rest of the geek world looks up to in awe, without reading any geeky tech-magazines. Nerdiness is just in the air.

Changing Generation

Time does not kid. Neither it slacks, nor does it make any allowances.

I chose not to move with it. Instead kept swinging between past and future. I can't say there were no warnings but I did not pay any heed. I was having a ball. Deep inside me there was a clock that was ticking, urging me to catch up but I kept ignoring it.

Result: Time broke down.

Yes, time has broken down for me. Past and future are collapsing frantically into my present. Not just from this life but from many many lives it seems. Have you heard of samudra-manthan? The ultimate churning of the deepest ocean to obtain the nectar of immortality. Gods had to team up with demons to perform it. Something like that is happening in my body and mind.

I am not my parents 6 year old spoiled daughter anymore. Every time I look at them now, my stomach cringes. I don't see 30 something handsome couple but instead a 60 something couple trying to cope with harsh realities of life - restricted physical existence and unregulated, unyielding mental existence. It was exactly the opposite - like just now, wasn't it?  My baby sister is a mother now. When my mom was my age, I was 10 years old!

Where do I place myself ? I don't know. I relate reasonably well with almost everyone - my 2 year old nephew, my teenager nieces, my 20 something cousins, my 40 something colleagues and my 60 something Vedanta friends. Then I look at my 30 something friends. I try to fit myself neatly into that bracket looking for a perfect match. My resume fits very well. Me? Not so much… I am spilling over into my childhood, teens, 20s, 40s, 60s and in those unknown age groups which may be flashbacks from my past past or glimpses into my future future. I can't tell the difference. Those moments clearly don't fit anywhere in the current scheme of things - a span of 0-60 years that is. Yet they are as real or even more.

How am I supposed to live everyday?
In present, I suppose. Trying to stay centered in my role in spite of the huge variations; and ignoring the outliers completely.

Ethereal

ethereal today

boundaries loosened

objects have become translucent

so has my body

thoughts have become waves

so floating on them slowly

world is there

not as it appears

but as it actually is

all made of same substance

with Midas touch

radiant and peaceful



waves propagating

light touching light