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Going to the court Family-law self-help center can be the most profound experience. People coming to get help on complicated custody battle, adoption, restraining order, divorce, annulment, you name it. Almost all broke - monetarily and emotionally. Sitting there with yellow/blue/black folders containing gazillion forms, waiting patiently for their turn. Laden with heavy blows. Resigned to the fate. Painstakingly taking each step forward. Quiet. Humbled by the enormity of suffering. Few are finding it hard to keep it together. They are pacing up and down or talking incessantly to themselves. Some have come with a companion to support them - a friend, a mom, an aunt or a spouse. Most are alone save the ocean of bubbling feelings underneath. With vacant eyes and stiff trembling bodies. Yes, stiff trembling bodies. That is exactly how enormous pain acts on you. Breaking down your body by contradictions and shocks. Your stomach cringes and you start getting dizzy.
The staff at this center is the most amazing I have ever seen. They are trained to be super-nice, smiling and indulgent. Even with the craziest person, they are obliging. A stout lady came in and asked the clerk if she could pay to get ahead of all 20+ who were sitting there. Before her, at least 10 others had asked the poor clerk about their First Come First Serve policy.Yet, the clerk politely and firmly answered No- with a hint of smile. My eyes left the screen of Solitaire game on my iPhone for few seconds to look at her - amused and admiring.
A young girl in early 20s or maybe even younger was sitting next to me. Holding onto her backpack tightly, visibly overwhelmed but trying to stay calm. If I had seen her outside, in her black slimfit pants and white pullover, I would have thought of her as a college-going bratty teenager. She too started playing Solitaire on her phone but couldn't keep at it long. The clerk lady came out, sat next to her and in an unfailingly caring tone started to discuss her case. Something about a 2 year old kid, his custody, divorce filed in Colorado, case number for California filing, kid still being in CO, visitation expenses etc etc. I lost track but I could see from the corner of my eye that the girl had tightened the grip on her backpack, she was nodding but clearly very little was actually reaching to her. The court clerk too realized that and immediately switched gears by giving her clear list of tasks to do. I suddenly felt a strong maternal instinct toward that girl. I wanted to give her a hug and tell her that everything will be okay. I realized how far I have come in the last few months. From being that girl myself to ..well, here.
My case was fairly straightforward compared to others I thought. I had done my research, knew what I had to do and only needed to get that confirmed. I went in and confidently submitted my papers for review. As she started telling me that the old forms needed some amendment, new forms I have are not in the right order etc., in a flash of a second the scene changed. I became that girl and the court clerk who was probably few years younger than me became my caretaker. She started talking to that place of profound grief in me which I did not know still existed. Hadn't I come a long way?? I barely remember the details of next few mins (except the vacuum in my stomach and me trying to clutch it hard), but I have my clear, well-written list of things to do, and set of forms with extra copies handed carefully to me by that strong, protective stranger.
All this was over a week ago. I still feel the stiff trembling now and then.
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