That Time of the Year..

I am way in over my head with unfinished tasks. If I get those done, which I HAVE TO for there is no alternative, I am going to be a whole different person. Or so I like to believe. Else I won't get to those. 

Filings and more filings.

So stop using socializing as your excuse and get your act together, girl.....

Also looming over my head is my impending birthday....

 

My Birthday has always been heavy on me. I guess that is when I am forced to look at myself truthfully. It is the time of the year when I am answerable to myself for all these questions: Am I really happy? If not, why not? Am I doing anything about it? Why? Why not? 

....I don't like facing that. It is much easier to avoid and keep myself busy with work and frivolous things.

I seriously dread my birthdays. Much nervousness. Water starts rising inch by inch as soon as we enter Feb. By mid-month, I am neck deep into it with nowhere to escape. I guess that is why I make a huge deal of my birthday so that I can run away from the voices in my head. Shopping, small celebrations and rewards throughout the month. Yet, the voice keeps getting louder and louder. The sinking feeling doesn't go away. And I only tire myself to death by trying to run away faster and faster. ...Since my late teens, I am at my lowest energy level on my birthdays despite the parties, gifts and all the pampering. I just want that day to be over. Soon. So that I can be my composed, mostly cheery self again. Who likes being lost, confused, sad and weak? Who likes being told that you are possibly living someone else's life?

Oh well.

A lot has changed lately and I have better answers for all these questions. At least I have the strength to face them even though some answers are a blurr or they come with a lot of uncertainty. I know what I want and what will make me happy. I didn't know that until  few days ago but I definitely know that now. But I have been too afraid to admit that. Again, who wants clear answers right? It is so much easier to wallow in the mire I created. 

I mean, if I know what I want and what will make me happy, then I have to face all these questions: Will I get it? What if I don't get it? Will I be able to handle the disappointment and move on? If indeed I do get it, will I be able to maintain it or will I screw it up?? Have I completely lost the ability to be truly happy again?

Standing up for oneself is a risky business. I imagine that it is like surfing those stormy waves. Tremendous thrills, equally high dangers. When I admit to myself: I like this and I want it because it makes me happy, am I setting up P(disappointment, hurt, sadness)=.5? ....Wouldn't it be easier to just...look away? 

I guess not anymore. Because in that case, P(disappointment, hurt, sadness)=1.

I definitely don't want to enter 3* with a list of unfinished tasks and baggage.

So I am buckling up. 

Here I come - my unopened mail from 2 months, turbo tax and what not...

Winding up..

Back on. I just need to vent today. Too many things going on at the same time. All these Priya's inside of me jamming each other. Some of them, I never imagined would come into existence. Looks like the soil is fertile for the seeds of craziness to blossom these days!!

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Going to the court Family-law self-help center can be the most profound experience. People coming to get help on complicated custody battle, adoption, restraining order, divorce, annulment, you name it. Almost all broke - monetarily and emotionally. Sitting there with yellow/blue/black folders containing gazillion forms, waiting patiently for their turn. Laden with heavy blows. Resigned to the fate. Painstakingly taking each step forward. Quiet. Humbled by the enormity of suffering. Few are finding it hard to keep it together. They are pacing up and down or talking incessantly to themselves. Some have come with a companion to support them - a friend, a mom, an aunt or a spouse. Most are alone save the ocean of bubbling feelings underneath. With vacant eyes and stiff trembling bodies. Yes, stiff trembling bodies. That is exactly how enormous pain acts on you. Breaking down your body by contradictions and shocks. Your stomach cringes and you start getting dizzy.

The staff at this center is the most amazing I have ever seen. They are trained to be super-nice, smiling and indulgent. Even with the craziest person, they are obliging. A stout lady came in and asked the clerk if she could pay to get ahead of all 20+ who were sitting there. Before her, at least 10 others had asked the poor clerk about their First Come First Serve policy.Yet, the clerk politely and firmly answered No- with a hint of smile. My eyes left the screen of Solitaire game on my iPhone for few seconds to look at her - amused and admiring. 

A young girl in early 20s or maybe even younger was sitting next to me. Holding onto her backpack tightly, visibly overwhelmed but trying to stay calm. If I had seen her outside, in her black slimfit pants and white pullover, I would have thought of her as a college-going bratty teenager. She too started playing Solitaire on her phone but couldn't keep at it long.  The clerk lady came out, sat next to her and in an unfailingly caring tone started to discuss her case. Something about a 2 year old kid, his custody, divorce filed in Colorado, case number for California filing, kid still being in CO, visitation expenses etc etc. I lost track but I could see from the corner of my eye that the girl had tightened the grip on her backpack, she was nodding but clearly very little was actually reaching to her. The court clerk too realized that and immediately switched gears by giving her clear list of tasks to do. I suddenly felt a strong maternal instinct toward that girl. I wanted to give her a hug and tell her that everything will be okay. I realized how far I have come in the last few months. From being that girl myself to ..well, here.

My case was fairly straightforward compared to others I thought. I had done my research, knew what I had to do and only needed to get that confirmed. I went in and confidently submitted my papers for review. As she started telling me that the old forms needed some amendment, new forms I have are not in the right order etc., in a flash of a second the scene changed. I became that girl and the court clerk who was probably few years younger than me became my caretaker. She started talking to that place of profound grief in me which I did not know still existed. Hadn't I come a long way?? I barely remember the details of next few mins (except the vacuum in my stomach and me trying to clutch it hard), but I have my clear, well-written list of things to do, and set of forms with extra copies handed carefully to me by that strong, protective stranger.

All this was over a week ago.  I still feel the stiff trembling now and then.